


"When are you going to bring home a nice boy?"

by caimani, The_Best_Damn_Dress_I_Own



Category: Hot Milk (Band), Stand Atlantic (Band)
Genre: F/F, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Homophobic Grandparents, Humor, Supportive mom, awkward dinner
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-27
Updated: 2019-05-27
Packaged: 2020-03-20 09:11:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18989650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/caimani/pseuds/caimani, https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Best_Damn_Dress_I_Own/pseuds/The_Best_Damn_Dress_I_Own
Summary: Bonnie’s tired of this. “I’ve already got someone,” she blurts out without really thinking about it.“Oh have you?” her grandfather says. He doesn’t seem convinced. “You should bring him to dinner then. How about Friday? We’d love to meet him.”“Her,” Bonnie corrects. She takes a deep breath. “I’m gay.” Internally, she feels like she’s about to die. She’s not dating anyone. She can barely hold back her awkwardness long enough to flirt. But now she’s got until Friday to find someone that her grandparents will approve of, or else they’re going to try and play matchmaker again.Or maybe she could just try and find the loudest, worst-behaved, and most inappropriate punk girl imaginable?She sets her jaw. “And Iwillbring her to dinner Friday. You’ll love her.”





	"When are you going to bring home a nice boy?"

**Author's Note:**

  * For [The_Best_Damn_Dress_I_Own](https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Best_Damn_Dress_I_Own/gifts).



> hannabon is the greatest thing ever. add in fake dating, punk hannah, motorcycles, and piercings and it just goes from great to great times a hundred. thank you so much to the_best_damn_dress_I_own for helping me (mani) write this and for encouraging me (mani) to finish it. and also screaming in gay with me after I wrote That Part

“Oh god, she’s going to be here in five minutes,” Bonnie says in a panic, looking from her phone to Jonno’s exasperated face. “How do I look?” She pats at her hair and then looks down at her clothes. Maybe she’s too casual. She should’ve gone with the skirt. She looks like she doesn’t care. Her grandparents are going to look at her and know she’s lying about this whole thing, and no amount of support from her mother is going to convince them. 

“Great,” Jonno says. “You know, it’s just dinner with your grandparents, it’s not—”

“I have to convince them that Hannah’s my actual girlfriend!” Bonnie says, starting to pace. “And that, like, we’ve been together longer than three days!”

“Technically you haven’t even been together for three days,” Miki says. “Not in person, anyway. Just texting and sending selfies.”

“That’s not helping,” Potter says. 

Bonnie looks at the selfie of Hannah that she’s set as her phone background. Fuck, Hannah looks so cool. Piercings and dyed hair and a dirty punk jacket and several visible tattoos. Bonnie definitely screamed when she first saw the picture and forgot to send her own selfie back for about twenty minutes.

“It’s gonna be great,” Jonno reassures her. “Your mum’s helping you out with this, right?”

Bonnie nods. Honestly, knowing that her mum’s going to be pretending like she’s already completely enamored with Hannah is a huge relief. If it was just going to be up to Bonnie herself, it would end in disaster.

“Hannah’s definitely cooler than you,” Miki adds. “Just let her do all the talking.”

“Hey!” Bonnie protests, but she doesn’t say much else because she’s distracted by the roar of a motorcycle engine. She looks for the source and sees… her.

Hannah rides up to the four of them where they’re all hanging out in Jonno’s driveway. She’s wearing the same jacket as in the picture, and as much as Bonnie loves the jacket, she’s completely distracted by the rest of Hannah. Skinny plaid trousers, aviators, and, under said jacket, nothing but a black lace bra that shows off so much tattoo-covered skin that Bonnie’s brain actually stops as she stares.

God, she’s staring. And Hannah’s smirking, pierced eyebrow raised, when Bonnie finally snaps back to herself.

“Uhh…”

“Hey, babe,” Hannah says. She slaps the tiny amount of space behind her on the motorcycle seat. “You ready?”

“Yes!” Bonnie blurts. She gets on behind Hannah, maybe a bit too quickly, and puts her arms around Hannah’s waist. Her brain stops again when she realizes she’s touching Hannah’s skin— the tattoos she was just staring at.

“Try not to be a complete disaster,” Miki’s yelling at her.

“Have fun!” Jonno says.

Bonnie’s face is burning, but she’s not sure whether it’s because of her friends’ teasing or the fact that she’s touching a literal punk goddess.

“Hang on tighter,” Hannah says, grabbing her arms and moving them so there’s not a single millimeter of room between them. Bonnie’s boobs are squashed right against Hannah’s back. She buries her face in Hannah’s shoulder and gets a face full of sweet-smelling hair as Hannah pulls away from her friends. 

“Oh my god,” she whispers, even as her voice is drowned out by the noise of the motorcycle engine. 

The drive to Bonnie’s grandparents’ house is way too short. Bonnie would have loved another hour or ten hanging onto Hannah, feeling the vibrations of the motorcycle through every inch of her body. She’s a bit shaky as she starts to dismount the bike. Suddenly, Hannah’s hands are on her hips, lifting her up with surprising strength.

“Old homophobes behind you,” she whispers, her lips curled into a smile. “Ready to piss ‘em off, love?”

And god, Bonnie’s heart actually skips a beat at the pet name. She nods eagerly and Hannah lowers her to the ground. One of Hannah’s hands winds around her back, pulling her close, while the other reaches up to touch Bonnie’s face almost tenderly.

The kiss that follows is anything but tender. It’s hot and deep and sensual and it lights a fire in Bonnie’s body that has her grabbing at Hannah’s jacket. Hannah’s lip ring is warm but strange against Bonnie’s mouth. She kisses back, distantly aware that her grandparents are watching her as she is absolutely dominated making out with a gorgeous punk girl. Hannah presses back, making Bonnie’s back arch slightly as she’s pushed against the motorcycle. 

Then the kiss is over. Bonnie’s left gasping for air. Hannah just winks at her from over her sunglasses. 

“Great start, huh?” 

God, she’s cocky. It’s going to be so easy to pretend to be completely smitten with her.

Hannah keeps her hand on Bonnie’s waist as they walk towards the house. Bonnie puts her own arms around Hannah and beams like she’s bringing home the Dalai Lama. Bonnie’s grandparents don’t look very happy, but her grandmother forces a smile as they approach. Her mother, on the other hand, looks delighted. 

“Hello, girls!” she beams, jogging over to pull Bonnie and Hannah into a hug.

They release and Bonnie turns back to give her grandparents the most innocent grin she can muster. “Hello! This is my girlfriend, Hannah!” she says brightly.

Hannah’s hand doesn’t move from where it’s situated barely a centimeter above Bonnie’s ass. She sticks her free hand out towards Bonnie’s grandparents, however.

“Pleasure to meet ya,” she says dryly, her coarse English accent making them flinch. “Nice combover, old man.”

Bonnie’s grandmother snorts a laugh and then gasps, clearly appalled with herself for doing so. She does not shake Hannah’s outstretched hand.

Bonnie forgets for a second that this is fake as she watches her grandfather’s face contort in horror. Thankfully, she catches sight of her mother off to the side, making meaningful eye contact with her. She quickly schools her expression back to In Love And Excited For Her Grandparents To Meet Her Girlfriend. 

Bonnie’s grandfather shakes Hannah’s hand a bit stiffly and lets go as soon as possible.

“It’s nice to meet Bonnie’s… friend.”

“Friend of the dating variety,” Hannah chimes in immediately, turning her face to kiss Bonnie noisily on the cheek. 

Bonnie’s grandmother claps her hands together, which makes Bonnie jump a little while Hannah is completely unaffected. “How about we head to the back garden? Everything’s set up already. It’s such a lovely evening, I thought we could have dinner outside.”

There are five chairs situated evenly around the table, with a large covered bowl of salad in the center. Bonnie’s grandparents and mum head for three of the chairs, and Bonnie starts for one of the remaining two. As she reaches it, Hannah sits down first, and then pulls Bonnie down so she’s sitting on her lap. Bonnie grins and puts an arm around Hannah’s shoulders as Hannah leans her head up to kiss her again.

“I’ll serve the salad,” Bonnie’s mum announces in the shocked silence from Bonnie’s grandparents. Bonnie pretends to not notice the staring as Hannah continues to pepper her neck with affectionate kisses. The kissing doesn’t stop as her grandfather says grace, but it slows significantly when they all start to eat.

“Thanks Joey!” Hannah says to Bonnie’s mum.

“Oh, sweetie,” Bonnie’s mum says with a smile. “I’ve told you, you can call me mum! We’re practically family, aren’t we?”

Hannah smiles triumphantly at the grandparents. “If you insist, mum.”

“So, er, Hannah,” Bonnie’s grandmother begins tensely, the effort required for her to be polite visible on her face. “Where exactly are you from?”

Hannah wipes her mouth on the back of her hand and leans back in the seat, showing off her bare, tattoo-covered stomach. Bonnie can’t keep her eyes from lingering. 

“Well I’m from Lancashire in Northern England, but now I live in Manchester,” Hannah’s voice is remarkably nonchalant despite this being the beginning of her interrogation. 

“By yourself?” Bonnie’s grandmother follows up.

“Nah, I live with me best mate, Jim.”

“Oh! So you have a boyfriend.” Bonnie’s grandfather isn’t so much asking as he is victoriously concluding.

Bonnie’s chest feels hot with panic. _Does_ Hannah have a boyfriend? She had sort of just asked around for a punk girl who’d be willing to do this for an afternoon, and jumped at the first friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend who answered. She… actually doesn’t know much about Hannah.

To her relief, Hannah just scoffs. “What? James? No way, mate. He’s a dick’ead, really, plus…” she trails off as she strokes a finger along Bonnie’s jawline and Bonnie shivers. “...I’m not into blokes.”

“Why not?” Bonnie’s grandmother says. An absolutely stupid question.

“Just don’t like cock, is all.” Hannah shrugs, seemingly oblivious to the grandparents’ flinching. “Why can’t I just enjoy your _fabulously_ beautiful granddaughter?” She places one hand very deliberately on Bonnie’s thigh. 

It’s an effort for Bonnie to try and control her reaction to that.

“So!” Bonnie’s grandmother seems to be slowly losing her composure. “What brings you to Australia?”

“I travel a lot,” Hannah replies around a mouthful of food. 

“Traveling. Is that for, um, work?” Bonnie’s grandfather asks. 

“Yes and no,” Hannah explains, still chewing. “I do travel for work– when I’m working– but I also do it for fun a fair bit.”

“So what _is_ your work?” he presses, displeasure at her latest response evident in his expression.

Hannah grins smugly. “I’m in a band.”

“Oh.” Bonnie’s grandfather sets down his fork. 

“Why don’t you continue to get to know each other while I get the next course?” Bonnie’s mum says brightly. “Hannah, dear, I’m so glad you’ve come; it’s really lovely hearing more about you and your interests.”

“Anything for my baby,” Hannah says. “Oh, and the food’s great so far, mum.” She gives Bonnie’s mum a thumbs up and Bonnie’s mum giggles as she clears the dishes.

As soon as she leaves the table, Hannah reaches up to pull Bonnie closer to her. She whispers into Bonnie’s ear, “Going good so far? Don’t say anything, just nod or shake your head. Pretend I’m sayin’ something naughty.”

Bonnie bites her lip and nods quickly. 

Hannah starts stroking her thigh. “This good? It’s givin’ those two higher blood pressure, I reckon.”

Bonnie covered her mouth as she laughed and nodded again.

“Bonnie, dear, wouldn’t you be more comfortable in your own chair?” Bonnie’s grandmother asks, her voice a bit shrill.

“I’m pretty comfortable where I am, thanks,” Bonnie answers, reaching up to tuck some hair behind Hannah’s ear, which reveals more of Hannah’s piercings. Holy shit, she’s got tunnels large enough to see through to the tattoos high on her neck. Her grandparents exchange disappointed faces.

“So… how long exactly have the two of you been… acquainted?” Her grandmother attempts.

“Oh, it isn’t about how long we’ve been together,” Bonnie says, feeling a bit more confident in being rude to her grandparents from her seat on her fake punk girlfriend. “It’s how long we’re going to stay in each others’ lives, right, love?”

Hannah holds Bonnie even closer against her. Her sunglasses slip down her nose just a bit, enough to see her intensely beautiful green eyes. Bonnie’s breath is stolen away. “That’s right, baby.”

“I’m back!” Bonnie’s mum announces, carrying a platter loaded with food. “Hope you’re all becoming better friends! Hannah, dear, how are you feeling?”

“It’s like I’m already part of the family,” Hannah says, smirking.

Bonnie kisses her to hide her laugh. 

The group remains quiet as the main course is served and for a few minutes as they start eating. Then Hannah gently tilts Bonnie’s face back towards her and leans close to lick something off her cheek. 

Both of Bonnie’s grandparents choke. 

“So Bonnie,” her grandmother says quickly. “How did the two of you meet? You two seem… so different.”

“We met through some mutual friends,” Bonnie says, trying to think of how to spin a believable lie while Hannah is still _doing_ things. “Uh…”

“Oh, tell them the truth,” Hannah says, and Bonnie’s heart jumps in her chest. What exactly does she— “You loved my bike and I offered you a ride and then…” Hannah puts her lips against Bonnie’s ear again and whispers, “And then we probably did something that your grandparents wouldn’t approve of until after boring heterosexual marriage.”

Bonnie claps a hand over her face again. “Shh!” she says.

“And then what?” Bonnie’s mum asks innocently. “Oh, was that the day you brought her home? She was so polite, such a sweetheart,” she says to Bonnie’s scandalized grandparents. “And Bon was absolutely head over heels; it was so cute.”

“Mum!”

“Aw, they want to know, don’t they?”

Bonnie’s grandparents look like they do _not_ want to know anymore, but Bonnie’s mum just keeps going, weaving a perfectly believable fiction about how Hannah charmed her and treated Bonnie like a princess. “Too bad I had to go out and run errands after that, but they kept each other entertained for the three or so hours I was gone. Went for a ride, didn’t you? You two were so sweaty and your hair was all a mess when I got back.”

“That’s right,” Bonnie says with a smile. 

“You know,” Bonnie’s grandmother says rather loudly. “I think I might not be able to manage dessert, I might turn in early. I’m terribly sorry, but—”

“Oh, at least stay and keep us all company,” Bonnie’s mum pleads. “Hannah’s come all the way out to meet with us.”

“What’s for dessert, mum?” Hannah says eagerly.

Bonnie’s grandmother goes to get the dessert, leaving Bonnie’s mum to continue showering Hannah with compliments as her grandfather looks like he’s swallowed dog shit. Hannah goes back to kissing Bonnie lightly on the neck, making Bonnie lean into her even more. 

After the pie is cut, Hannah takes the plate and fork in her hands and feeds a bite of it to Bonnie with a devilish grin. Out of the corner of her eye, Bonnie can see her grandfather staring in open mouthed horror. Bonnie moans a little with the next bite, prompting Hannah to set the plate aside and kiss her. Hannah’s hand comes up to the back of Bonnie’s neck as she holds her close, tasting the pie in Bonnie’s mouth. Her other hand goes down to Bonnie’s hip and grips it, making Bonnie moan again.

When they finally break apart, Bonnie’s eyes flutter open just in time to see her grandmother struggle to regain her elegant composure. 

Bonnie breathes heavily for a second, and then manages to say, “Love when you do that.”

“Aw, you two are so cute,” Bonnie’s mum coos. “Aren’t they just the cutest couple?”

Neither of Bonnie’s grandparents say anything. They finish dessert and the two seem desperate for an escape. They stand up with tense smiles on their faces.

“It’s been… nice meeting you, Miss Hannah,” Bonnie’s grandfather says. 

Hannah stands up, keeping Bonnie close to her side. “So that’s it? No cocktail hour?”

“I’m afraid not,” he says. “Bonnie, thank you for allowing us to meet… your friend—”

“Girlfriend,” Bonnie and Hannah say at the same time.

“Yes,” he says uncomfortably. 

“Well, you two look like you’ve got young people things you’d rather be doing,” Bonnie’s mum says, winking at them. “Why don’t you leave us old people and run off together.”

Bonnie’s grandmother gasps a little, but Bonnie and Hannah pay her no mind.

“Oh, yeah, it’s us time now,” Hannah says, her hand going back to Bonnie’s ass and her teeth attaching to Bonnie’s neck for a moment. “See ya again sometime!”

Bonnie can’t help her laughter as they all but run away back to the front of the house. They jump back onto Hannah’s bike and ride off. Bonnie squeezes tightly onto Hannah.

“That was perfect!” she yells to Hannah when they stop at a traffic light. “I’ve never seen them like that before!”

“You think they’ll stop asking you about boyfriends now?” Hannah yells back. 

Bonnie doesn’t get to answer, because the light changes and the roar of the engine makes it impossible to hear anything else. Hannah pulls off the road after a few minutes of exhilarating motorcycle driving. She steers the bike into the parking lot of a local park— one Bonnie’s been to countless times before. There’s not many people there at this late hour, which gives them plenty of privacy.

Hannah parks the bike and gets off, then helps Bonnie off. 

Bonnie takes one look at Hannah— at her piercings and tattoos and wild hair and biker jacket and her powerful smile and gorgeous eyes and… she realizes she doesn’t want to be saying goodbye. She doesn’t want this to end. Hannah is funny and cocky and she doesn’t give a shit about what people think about her. And she’s also charming and considerate and…

Bonnie clears her throat, realizing she’s been staring.

“So, ah,” she says. “I’ve got a… something to say. I mean, first of all, thanks for all of that. Really I—”

“It was my pleasure,” Hannah says. “S’not often I get to have that much fun and with such— yeah. Uh, actually, I’ve got something to tell you too. D’you want to—”

“You can go first,” Bonnie says. She’s still not sure how to say that she wants to maybe date Hannah for real— or how to gauge whether Hannah would even want to.

“So… the bike’s not actually mine,” Hannah says. She reaches up to scratch at her scalp. “I’ve only ridden those things a couple times, and I borrowed this one from a mate of mine. I don’t think I can drive it in the dark. I can call someone to pick us up, unless you want to— are you laughing at me?”

 

Bonnie can’t help it. She’s nearly doubled over in laughter. Because Hannah is just too perfect. Forget trying to ask this in a suave way, she’s just going to go for blunt and maybe a bit weird. The same way she asked Hannah to do this thing in the first place.

Just the way she is.

“Do you want to do this for real?”

Hannah blinks. “Motorcycle?”

“Dating.”

“Oh.” Hannah looks surprised for a moment. Just for a moment, though. Then she smiles and strides into Bonnie’s space to put her arms around her again. “Yeah. I think so.”


End file.
